The Dark Side

Hey Folks,
there's another topic I'm going to cover today, it holds a lot of meaning for me for reasons that will become obvious in this post further down as you read.

Mental illness, it has a lot of stigma surrounding it. People think you're crazy, unstable, a loose cannon. They want to take your firearms from you, they want you to be locked away in a hospital somewhere and not have to deal with you. Above all they want to be able to pretend that you don't exist. This is the kind of society we've developed into, where if the scars you carry around with you are mental and not physical you are not as worth their time. Now i know a lot of you are probably saying "but Burnout! we have all these wonderful programs to help veterans, to help first responders, things are changing!" sure, sure they are. However! there is far too much that is still not being accomplished, we still need to change our core concepts and beliefs surrounding what a mental illness actually means to a person's future and remove the stigma surrounding it before we have actually begun to accomplish true change. It's all well and good to create a few programs so everyone can pat themselves on the back and have a 'feel good' moment, but when you're immediately ostracized  for using those programs when someone finds out, you haven't succeeded in doing anything actually worthwhile.

Now, onto the other topic, one I've been playing around with for a while about whether i'd actually discuss it here on my site or not, i finally caved and decided it might be healthy to share a little about myself and my recent less well known experiences.

PTSD, Shell Shock, Combat Exhaustion...there are many names for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Despite all these names, it is still the ultimate mental illness in many people's eyes right? we've all seen the movies and tv shows that use this. what are some of the main common themes we see between all of these ways Hollywood portrays it?

1) Only combat veterans suffer from this disorder. every single show has that one veteran who suffers from PTSD.

2) PTSD sufferers are always flying into a rage, losing it, and attacking people on impulse

3) Those with PTSD are always alcoholics easily found in the corner of a bar, silently drinking alone

4) If you did not see combat you don't actually have PTSD and are using it to game the system/garner sympathy/or con people in any other way

Let me preface what I'm about to say with stating how completely inaccurate all these themes are, the concepts were formed from a fraction of those who suffer from Post Traumatic Stress and yes some are like this. Not everyone who suffers from Post Traumatic Stress however acts in this way. Now, on to the meat of this post:

I'm a younger adult. (not yet in my 30s)

I look like I have my shit together .

I have healthy relationships.

I have at least 5 different groups or volunteer services I spend my free time with, a full time job, 3 part time jobs, and bills to pay which I manage to accomplish and still have free time.

I'm the person in the group of friends no one bats an eye at, the 'perfectly normal' one among everyone.

I'm suicidal.

I have tried to kill myself at least four separate times in six months at the point that I am writing this.

I have breakdowns in public, and find somewhere to hide while i shake uncontrollably and cry.

I can't get out of bed some days

I hide from others as I'm constantly terrified of strangers, or friends, family, and co-workers seeing what lurks behind the mask I wear daily

I have PTSD.

I discovered this late last year, as I'm writing this it brings back memories multiple painful mistakes I made in that time period while I battled with the darkness tearing through my mind. I started to realize there was an issue when I would have constant thoughts about hurting myself, and wishing someone would cause harm to me so I didn't have to walk around on this planet any longer. I would wake up in cold sweats, several times I woke up screaming from the nightmares I was experiencing. I found myself unable to drive down certain streets or past houses where I had run certain calls, or else I would experience feelings of dread, and sometimes the memory of what I had witnessed and the patient who I treated would hit me and cause me to have a panic attack that would leave me debilitated and crippled for days. I would have days where I was completely emotionally blunted, frankly, I didn't care about others' feelings as some days I simply wasn't experiencing any myself. I have been found on ground pressing my hands to my ears to try to stop the overwhelming sound of voices screaming inside my head, as images of patients whose lives I failed to save floated around in front of me in my mind. I finally went and sought help after multiple instances that were telling me there was clearly an issue that i could not fix by being my own stubborn self. I was finally diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, As a result of childhood traumas being compounded by my experiences as a Firefighter and EMT.

I have been in intensive counseling for more than six months at this point, and am more stable than I was at that period of my life, I still have moments from the above, but they are far less frequent than before I sought help. The support I've experienced from my group of friends has been incredible as they guide me and keep an eye on me when i'm in public (I struggle heavily with being around groups of people some days, i can start to shake and if I don't step out of the situation I will have a full blown panic attack). I have a fantastic counselor who has been helping me talk through my experiences and take away the power they hold over me. Above all, I've been able after several months to return to my full speed self. The problem with this situation however, is that I cannot tell my employers, I cannot put it on an official record, I cannot be an advocate for others to come forward. Why is that? because if I do, my entire career is in jeopardy. Remember that discussion from above about the stigma surrounding PTSD? it exists doubly so in the Armed Forces and First Responder community. if I came forward and admitted I have this issue, then i would have a high chance of being black balled everywhere simply based on the misconceptions others hold regarding this disorder. The main issue being that those who do not have this disorder think our actions are from anger, when in actuality it's from intense fear. That adrenaline rush you experience when you are in a situation where your life may be in danger? it's like walking around with your body and mind set to that level permanently.

The way I describe it is having anxiety cranked up to 11 (yes, i just made a Spinal Tap reference in a serious post). That's a very simplified version of what this feels like, but its something people understand when I try to explain it to them. This isn't easy to live with, but I live with it, and I don't want to lose the career I love, to a disorder caused by the career I love (oh irony). Thus, I continue to hide this from others for the most part and pretend everything is ok. I'm able to perform my job effectively, in fact I feel sometimes it's made me a stronger person for this line of work, I'm able to have relationships, and i'm able to go out in public without hitting a bottle of alcohol. I have many issues I still need to work on, but I won't be giving up any time soon.
Thank you all if you read through this entire post, I'm aware it was heavy stuff. I'll try to write a more cheery topic next week.

stay safe folks, it's a crazy world out there
-Burnout


Song of the week: G- Eazy Me Myself and I

Rough Time

I'll dive right into it with this post. Death. The word many people cringe at, they avoid it if at all possible, spend their lives in pursuit of ways to live longer and healthier. It's a part of me I've found difficult to switch off an insight into, when you spend most days around those in pain, the dying, the recently and the not so recently deceased it seems that you gain a different perspective on life then. Ever see a little kid crying in the grocery store, tugging at their mom or dad's clothes while the parent looks irriated? It bothers you doesn't it, all that noise? To me, sometimes that's the most beautiful sound in the world. A screaming kid is one that is still breathing, one that will have more moments and has a future ahead of them. The old person who aggravates you at the store taking their time putting down groceries or walking the aisle, what I see is one less person I will pronounce dead that day, one less body to stumble upon when the neighbor calls saying they haven't seen their friend in a few days. I find myself seeing a significant amount of the darkness in recent times, and they say that when you peer into it for too long, it stares back at you. However, it seems that in some ways I've been given a beautiful gift, I appreciate the mundane for I have seen chaos, I appreciate love for I have experienced hate and rage, for all the things I see at work I have been given an opposite appreciation of everyday life. So, death, that thing we all try to avoid, to those who spend their waking moments surrounded by it, in some ways we have been given a gift of understanding to what is truly important in this life.

To all who've taken the time to read my jumbled thoughts in my posts, some worse than others...thank you for continuing to follow me. 

-Burnout 

Song of the week: Through It All by From Ashes To New

Finally back!

Where do I even begin folks...I've been gone for so long it's not even funny. I switched jobs, got a promotion, and I work critical care EMS, graveyard shift in a significantly high crime city. It's been insane for me, I've lost brother firefighters who were killed on calls, and I've lost family members. I know that I've neglected to be posting and I apologize to everyone who followed me for so long. But I'm back! And I'm gonna try to be around as much as I can, I have plenty of stories to share I've accrued and hopefully they still catch your interest. Once again if you'd like to ask me any questions just click on my username and send me an email, I'll answer your questions on here.
More to come...
-Burnout
song of the week: Back in Black, AC/DC

'Stayin Alive'

Run some wild calls lately, done some odd things, and been teaching a LOT of brand new members the ropes and how to handle themselves on calls...
here's just a few things I've said on calls lately that have gotten me in a little trouble...

"oh s***" (in reference to a patient's condition)

"Partner, to patient strapped onto stretcher: don't worry ma'am we haven't dropped anyone yet today
Me: but you are our first patient"

Patient: My chest hurts!!
Me: uhhh yea (looks at his wife) that's gonna happen when you do CPR on someone who's still talking to you.


To a patient who came up swinging at us after we administered Narcan (the wonderful anti-opiate)
Me: i swear if you don't stop moving, i'm gonna knock your ass out again!

after dealing with a PCP patient that took quite a few of us and police officers to pin down and cuff, as we carried the patient downstairs who was screaming like a banshee
Me (muttered to myself but apparently a little too loud): this is like the exact opening of the movie Quarantine
*everyone stops and stares at me*

and finally onto a brief story!

I recently had a very fortunate turnout on a call, as i was preparing to leave for the night from the station and get some sleep, just as i reached the doors to the outside i hear
" alert, medical box 111-1...alert medical box 111-1 engine 123, engine 134, medic 125, medic 135, supervisor 1...respond to 1479 spring drive for a cardiac arrest... **yr old patient, reported not conscious and not breathing, respond on alpha. Time now is 22:30" naturally i drop my bags, grab my gear, and climb on the engine as i was one of the few firefighters with medical certifications available to jump on the engine at the moment. As we fly down the road towards the house with our medic unit leading a convoy of flashing lights and sirens, i snap on a pair of gloves and close my eyes for a second to mentally prepare for another bad outcome, then as soon as i closed them, we came screeching to a halt. I jumped off our engine, ran and grabbed the oxygen bag off our medic and hustled inside right behind my officer, made my way downstairs to a patient with no pulse and fixed pupils. I immediately notified dispatch that we had a confirmed cardiac arrest and were beginning CPR, and began to do chest compressions as my fellow firefighters and the medic crew made their way downstairs...i finished up my first round and swapped with the firefighter who was 'ventilating' the patient with a bag valve mask, this continued for several minutes until we were told by the AED to stand clear and shock the patient, we did so, then i swapped again and performed another set of compressions, at which point the AED announced "stand clear...analyzing heart rhythm...check for pulse" i reached down to check the carotid artery and...
"Lt. We got a pulse!"
sure enough, we had a strong carotid and radial pulse, we then carried the patient to a stretcher and hauled to the hospital, when we left the patient was already beginning to breathe on their own again.

This was great news for me and frankly a real boost, knowing that this person would most likely be able to walk out of the hospital and return to their family, it's exactly why i do this, and even though some of the situations i deal with can be awful, i love the job.
a quote from a fellow first responder that always has stuck in my head, is "our today, for other's tomorrow"
well thanks for holding on and waiting for my next post everyone, y'all have been great to follow me for so long, i appreciate all my fans! feel free to post up on here, and i'll be creating an email soon so fans can reach me and ask any questions they may have.

--Burnout

Song of the Week: The Mighty Fall- Fallout Boy

Bariatrics

Hey folks!

I've been laying low recently and making sure i didn't put too much strain on myself, as i hurt my back while dealing with a nearly 500 lb patient that had an abnormally high blood sugar level. The patient was naked, had defecated on himself, and was wedged in-between his toilet and bathtub. Alas besides that there is not much interesting that has gone on in the life of Burnout currently...except that I am now single again, that's right everyone, the missus and i split. It's a shame however there will be others that come along, i'll keep my hopes up.
To all my loyal followers who read these, thanks, you all rock!

--Burnout

Song of the Week: Oh Miah by Blackmill

Seatbelts

People who know me are aware that i am a BIG proponent of the wearing of seat-belts, i wear them in the back of the engine and medic units, i wear them in my POV (personally owned vehicle), and no one is allowed in any vehicle i am driving if they won't wear one. This zeal of mine was recently reinforced from a wreck i worked on the highway just a few days ago, two teenagers were driving down the interstate when the right rear tire blew out, causing them to swerve across the highway into a ditch, and then roll their vehicle about 5 times at 80 miles per hour. I responded from station in our engine fully expecting to be working a traumatic cardiac arrest and yet when i arrived on scene both patients had self-extricated from the car and were able to sign refusals, and walk away with just minor cuts and bruises. After inspecting the car, i had little doubt that had they not been wearing their seat-belts it would have been a MUCH different turnout to the story. Most likely one if not both of these teenagers would have been ejected from the car, and would have suffered severe internal and external injuries. If surviving a vehicle rollover at highway speeds in a compact car is not enough of an incentive to wear your seat-belt, i honestly do not know what to tell you...seat-belts save lives folks, please buckle up before you hit the road, so that maybe you won't find yourself laying on my stretcher later on.
(should i get the clearance from my company to upload a picture of the car i will update this post with it, so my viewers can see just how effective the safety features in new cars are, if actually used by occupants)

That's my rant for this time...feel free to post up with questions or requests to hear my opinion on anything, should the mood strike you all.

--Burnout

Song of the Week: Born to Rise by Redlight King

That One Call...

Every first responder has that one call, or that one day that shakes them sooner or later, something that even the strongest of people are thrown through a loop from. Earlier this week my significant other had one of these days... in 6 hours she had three patients die on her, a two year old went into cardiac arrest and they were unable to get a pulse back, and then later in the day she responded to a car wreck where the mother of two children was pronounced on scene, and she worked a 26 day old baby all the way to the hospital that was in full cardiac arrest as well. Seeing her later, i knew she was shook up, what's amazing though to me, even though i do the same thing when i have a rough day of calls, is that she was able to take a deep breath, look at me, and then tell me she hadn't lost her faith in what she does. Her perspective is still the same as it was, that if she hadn't been there they would have passed away anyway, and at least she did all she could to try and bring them back. This is something many people don't understand about how we manage to get through such a stressful situation, we believe in what we are doing, we know that we cannot save everyone but at least we can do our best for every single person we treat.
I quoted to her the movie Serenity today, when she promised me she hadn't lost faith in herself and that there is a reason these things happen...(she is not religious).
The quote was "It does not matter what you believe in, as long as you believe in SOMETHING" I try to never forget this as to do what we do i think you need to have faith in something, anything, to get through such difficult times.
And i have to give her credit, she is one of the strongest people i know, it's good to have someone you trust to have your back as a first responder...

-Burnout

Song of the Week: Pompeii by Bastille

Angel Dust

There's not much more of an "Oh S***" moment in EMS i've had recently than receiving a call for an unconscious overdose, we arrive on scene and start prepping to inject the person with Naloxone (otherwise known as Narcan) when several police officers step into the room and the crew from an engine that was dispatched as well, and tell us to be careful if he stirs before we inject him. Why? because this person's drug of choice according to relatives was PCP, thankfully yours truly did not get put through a window by a crazed drug addict, the call was handled well and we all got to go home safely. PCP will always be a drug that puts me on edge if i am dealing with someone who has consumed it in some manner, simply because of the rage it causes and the lack of pain the person feels while under its' effects.

On a separate note, please pray for Houston Fire Department and the family members who lost 4 firefighters recently on a 5 alarm building fire, it's heartbreaking to hear of so many in one day, at one incident, make the ultimate sacrifice.

--Burnout

Song of the Week: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club- In Like The Rose

Why?

Well this will be a short post, it is centered around a Facebook group called 911: you can't make this stuff up. Feel free to check them out, tell them i sent you, maybe they'll appreciate the extra traffic. Specifically i felt that this photograph of theirs (all due credit to the Facebook group and the owner in particular) embodies exactly why first responders do what they do...while this one is centered around firefighters, the words ring just as true for all those who go running towards the apparatus, racing to a call in a police cruiser, when those tones go out and they are dispatched. We do it because someone needs our help, and we'll be damned if we let anything get in the way of that. On a related note, keep the victims and first responders and military personnel who were at the Boston Marathon in your thoughts and wish them all the best, they certainly need it.

--Burnout

Song of the Week: Hurt by Johnny Cash
(someone please warn me if i start repeating songs occasionally, i may forget what i have used before)